The VERY Secret Diary OF Lucius Malfoy
by MrS-SiRiUs-BlAck
Summary: It's Lucius' Diary, discovered by a very bored Draco, not funny yet, rated to be safe later on!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own any of this (well, maybe some of the plot and a few characters, and the comp being used to type this, but other than that, nada!). I wish I did… I do own the Draco and Sirius in my head however.

A/N: I hope you like this; it's based on those very secret diaries and Harry Potter. I worked hard on it, I have to write it because another story I'm working on references to this lol so I had to do it!

**The Very Secret Diary of Lucius Malfoy**

It was half way into summer vacation, and Draco Malfoy was bored, _VERY bored_. Honestly, what could a kid with an army of house elves at his bidding, a house big enough to hold half of Hogwarts, loads of money, everything he wanted, and his own Quidditch team, have to do in the summer! It's no wonder Draco was bored. So he decided to do what all kids do when they're bored! Pester someone! He went to his desk and pulled out a long piece of parchment. It was titled "People to Pester when Bored" Hmmmm…. he looked at the list and thought to himself who had he not pestered in a while, _'Potter? No I sent him various howlers yesterday to pester him. Father? Hmmmm….the last time I did that I was under the Imperius curse for a week, and I do not want to have to clip Lord Voldemort's toenails again,' Draco shuddered, 'Granger? Always a good choice, oh wait I sent her a picture of a yeti asking if it was her long lost sister to pester her earlier. I know! I'll pester the house elves! As if I didn't every day anyways.'_

So Draco smirked his evil smirk and skipped off, humming the Spice Girls, to torture the house elves. He decided that one place where he would be able to pester the house elves from was the library stupid little things always got lost on their way there. He touched the bell to the kitchens where the house elves would be, and waited, about ten minutes later a house elf wearing a pillow cover came into the library.

"You rang young Master Malfoy?"

"Yeah you ugly little thing, I want you to get me a pumpkin juice, on the rocks, and a bottle of fire whiskey! Oh, and from now on I expect to be addressed as Supreme Overlord of all Malfoy."

"Yes Sir-Supreme Overlord, dinky will make sure to do that."

"Oh, and send up some elves to entertain me, or" he said menacingly, "I'll give you clothes!"

"NOOOOOOOOO! Not the dreaded C-word!" Dinky ran around stupidly, because well, I suppose that's what all house elves do when threatened.

Draco laughed his head off and tripped the house elf, who tumbled into a bookshelf, knocking it over. When this bookshelf was knocked over, Draco laughed even harder knowing that now this little elf, dumpy or whatever its name was was going to have to punish itself and clean it up. When Draco looked up however, he lost all interest in pestering the pathetic creature in front of him, and went to examine a box that sat behind the bookshelf instead.

Inside this box was a book, a pink leopard print furry book, with lacy trim all around the edges, and "The Secret Diary of Lucius Malfoy" written in silver bubble letters on the cover. Draco could not wait to read this. He went over to a cozy chair by the fire and settled in, knowing that his summer just got interesting. He was so involved in this that he did not even notice the house elves coming in to clean up the mess, although I suppose Draco never noticed them.

A/N: sorry for the short chapter, I don't have much time to write these days!


	2. The Ride to Hogwarts

**A/N:I** am going to be doing short chapters, seeing as that gives me more time to keep writing and means more updates for you. I'm sure you're excited. So, here goes nothing! This is my first shot at humor, so it's probably pretty bad. Sorry, short I know, but at least its up, I promise I will post more soon,

Disclaimer: No I do not own Harry Potter.

**Ride to Hogwarts**

I am on my way to Hogwarts! Yay! Am v. excited, seeing as have made great hair washing buddies over the summer with Zabini! Am beginning to wonder where lackeys are, seeing as I cannot wait to try out my new words on them. I learned them from this cool tape that Dumbledore sent me, about ebonics. That's like this really cool way of talking, my dog fo shizzle.

Snape is here, the greasy git, obviously he needs to find a new shampoo. Will have to speak to Blaze about washing his hair… Am wondering where Potter and his posse are becuase they ain't been down to my end of this pimpin' ride. May have to go stalk through the halls Snoop style to find them, also need to find Zabini, Crabbe, and Goyle, seeing as I need my crew to back me up if we find those crackaz.

I look in the mirror to make sure my ice is still in place and exit into the corridor. I start my gangster walk and stop in each companion to see where my homies are. I reach a compartment and Narcissa Black is in there.

"Hey ho. Damn girl you foine! Where you been lately?" I ask her pretending to be all not interested and shyot.

"Lucius Malfoy. I have never been so insulted in my life!"

"Yo, honey chill. I ain't been nowhere but being my gangsta self yah hea? Now I axed you a question ho. Where you been?"

"Lucius Malfoy if you call me your 'ho' one more time-"

"OH SHNAP! No You ain't about to be messing with me. I gots your back ho. Now, the next time I axe you a question you answer-"

The last thing I saw was the door slamming in my face. Hmmm…appears that honeys foine but got some issues. I ceep creeping down the hallway until eventually I find Zabini, mah homie Z, Crabbe, mah homie C, and Goyle, mah homie G.


	3. Lucius Predicts the futureor something

A/N: Yesh, I'm finally updating again. It's finals week, I can only write sporadically, soon, however, school will be out for the summer and I will be able to update more regularly. Sorry for the wait. I wrote a semi-long chapter I hope you all like it. Ah, to make it clear (Lucius) (_Draco's thoughts)_!

Disclaimer: Alas, I do not own any of the characters you recognize. I do own Bob and Jimmy though…… I also don't own Britney Spears or any of her songs! (Thank god)

**In which Lucius predicts the future….or something like that**

On the Hogwarts Express (cont.)

"Yo Zab-meister, mah homefry what's going down?" I asked a very confused looking Zabini.

Then, he did something that I never would have expected from him. No, he did not try to make out with Goyle. He…he…HE SLAPPED ME! No one ever dared slap me! I had never been so insulted!

"I have never been so insulted!" I said. (See I told ya so)

He proceeded to try and calm me down by pulling out…..awwww…it's his baby bunny rabbit twinkles. It's so soft and cuddly. I could just play with it and stroke its pretty fur. He also pulled out pink furry pony tail holders, but I didn't notice them as I was too busy playing with Twinkles, she's so adoramable! While I was distracted, Zabini and co. somehow managed to change my hairstyle to blonde pigtails; I looked like a blonde schoolgirl. I looked in the mirror and squealed.

"Like Oh-Em-Gee! I am like so cool and popular! Someday a girl who looks like just like me will so be like famous! She'll be like a pop sensation. How can I like thank you!" I giggled girlishly and batted my eyelashes at Zabini who gave me a lollipop. I waited for him to respond.

"Lucius, mate, promise me you'll never try and be an American gangster again. American gangster and British accent are a little bit creepy combined."

"Like totally hun! Anything for you! I'm going to like go find Potter!" I skipped off giggling and humming future hit single, "Hit me baby one more time".

When I was outside of Potter's compartment I started a dance routine. I dance right into the compartment and into Potter's lap.

"Hi my little Potty-Wotty-Jamesy-Wamesy-Poo!" I said wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Lucius get off me. I swear if you don't get off me in five seconds, I'll have to….I'll have to….I'll have to do…..THIS," he said licking my ear. _('Maybe that's where Scarhead gets his weirdness from…)_

He licked me….James Potter licked me…. EWWWWW Now I need to be disinfected! I have Potter germs!

"Pothead! That was like so gross and mean and evil and like not nice and like yucky!"

"You're telling me, my tongue is now officially intoxicated!"

Then, Black butted in, "You guys save your licking for the bedroom please. After all, Lucius what would people think if they thought that you were cheating on me?"

I glared at him and giggled, "What? I like don't understand. I'm like too blonde to be like anything else!" (A/N: No offense to any blondes remember this is comedy)

Lupin just stared at us placidly, I winked at him and licked my lips seductively, and he paled! Yay one for Lucius! Pettigrew sat in the corner and looked shiftily around. I like that boy. He needs more Slytherin friends!

"Potty Wotty, you mean you like didn't tell your friends about us?"

"What us you cheesy doodle? There is no us! I am in love with someone else and its-"

"Me!" cried Black.

"Erm-no, sorry mate. Its-"

"Me!" said a rabid fangirl named Meghan.

"Uh I don't know who you are, so nope not you either sorry. Its-"

"James what about Lily," asked Lupin.

""WILL YOU ALL LET ME FINISH! Oh wait, Moony, you're right! Lily Evans!"

That sexy little mudblood_ (WHAT! My father thought a mudblood was sexy! shudder)_ was the one Potter loved? I'd make sure I got to her first, "Well, like babe, I like have to like go!" I licked Potter, nipped him on the ear and went on my merry way back to my compartment; after all, we were almost at Hogwarts.

At Hogwarts-Great Hall

I had to ride in a carriage with Snape and Crabbe, they smelled funny. I was going to be sick. What was up with Zabini and Nott deserting meeeeee! I feel so unloved!

Ick! I ended up sitting to Narcissa (future-Mrs.-Malfoy) Black. She's fine, but so icky. _(So dad and mum were like me and Pansy I'd wager.) _She hangs off of me so helplessly. Yes, she's my future wife, but she never leaves me alone! _(Yea, me and Pansy)_ I can't bug Potter, or look at myself in the mirror, or do…erm….other things… without her being there! She clarified already that she understands that I was having a reaction to Imperio put on as a joke earlier and that she forgives me. Did I say I was sorry? NO!

I looked up as McGonagall called a name that sounded familiar; it was Narcissa's sister, Aluminum or Comet or Android…

"Black, Andromeda," said McGonagall and the little girl went up to the stool. Perhaps I should offer McGonagall my hairstyling services, she desperately needs them.

Narcissa gripped my hand tightly, and I tried to pull her hand off. She thought I was patting her hand however, and only gripped my other hand tighter. I waited anxiously and was both amused and disgusted when the hat loudly yelled out, "RAVENCLAW!"

I sneered at her and laughed. I started to make fun of her, after all, ALL the Malfoy's had been in Slytherin and always would be, whereas the Black's had two odd ones in different houses. She started crying and I laughed cruelly, just like I had learned how to from my, _So__ you want to be the dark lord's right hand man _book.

Then again McGonagall caught my attention, this time with, "Black, Regulus"

Hmmm…another Black to be sorted, from the look on the face of Black at the Gryffindor table I'm guessing this one must be related to him. Perhaps he'll get into the right house and not be a disgrace to his family.

The hat did not stall for a moment before calling out, "SLYTHERIN!"

I started to clap, I was almost weeping at the look on the older Black's face. He and Pothead were sneering at the little smirking boy as he strode over to the table. I waved the little boy over to sit by me, looked over to the Gryffindor table and blew a kiss to Potty when he saw me. Narcissa tried to unsuccessfully (darn), drown herself in her pumpkin juice.

"You just made me so incredibly happy Black. After all, not everyone can make your brother sneer, and such a nice sneer he has, pity he's not a Slytherin. Also, you made Narcissa want to drown herself. Although maybe she just thinks she's a fish who needs to live in pumpkin juice."

I ignored the rest of the sorting and braided Regulus' hair. It looked so cute! I was so excited! I dazed out then and didn't come back into consciousness until it was time to leave the great hall.

A/N: Sorry if it made no sense lol my brain is fried right now…. Erm the actual future telling was the Britney Spears thing….sorry I don't like her. I know not a lot of Draco commentary. Does anyone think I should add more? If so, tell me in a review.


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